Trying to approach THAT one as a non-rhetorical question.
***
Friday night my mind lowered the boom on itself like I told you.
Four in the morning Saturday I lay down but did not succeed in sleeping. That took until five or six--I didn't pay close attention, but anyway I didn't wake until one in the afternoon, and I woke up stiff with pain born in the neck, pain in the neck, pain in the neck but growing out from there up above the eyes, down into the heart.
That was a few hours ago, and it's been a good four hours, since. I medicated, naproxen; I attended carefully to the state of the kitchen, I took a shower, and as it became evening and the thunder cast its rumbly ideas across the sky I started to try to understand for real.
I started out looking for what enlightened minds had to say on the subject of fear, but that wasn't exactly what I found.
***
I learned instead about the five hindrances.
1: The Things We Like, kamacchanda
Input from the five or seven senses that are pleasurable enough that you stay and wallow in them instead of staying focused on your journey and path. These things look good, sound good, and feel good enough that staying wrapped up in them becomes obsessive.
Traditional addictions are an obvious example--alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, shopping or porn. But sometimes they're more subtle. I think the arousing outrage of constantly watching Fox or MSNBC qualifies. So does constantly seeking out more and better contrarian opinions and worldviews like I do, layering on extra research to give historical context and refine them into 'my own', and bringing the produce of that research to you here so you are invited to marvel at my erudition and perspicacity. Even though it's burdensome or tedious at times, I fundamentally like it, so I do it over and over and I let it get in the way of my path. Call it the seductive pleasure of being pissed off.
2: The Things We Don't Like, byapada
Aversion, hatred, irritation, rejection. It's easy to see how these things knock us off the path.
It might be the stupid dog next door barking at nothing, or the memory deeply rooted of betrayal and injury perpetrated on us by someone who was supposed to be a friend. It can even overlap with number one above, like rain does. Usually I love the rain, but sometimes it keeps me from taking the next logical step on the path. Same for the heat, same for the wind ... either way, in the moment, we are saying No to it and letting it be a hindrance whether or not it should be one to our best peaceful warrior selves.
Afterthought: I believe that this one is related to the what the shrinks call 'external locus of control' ... it may look very much like something outside ourselves is really stopping us. 'I can't think with that fucking dog barking'. 'There is no way to make things better until my fucking mother gives me the money she rightly owes me', or, 'I can't be an unbroken healthy successful person because my parents didn't ever support me as a child'. 'My stupid ugly boss is making it impossible for me to do right'.
The most pernicious thing about this one is that it often seems factual and true. Mostly, our parents really did fail to support our best selves, and mostly, they wail back that they did the best they could ... ! Sometimes for sure, our lovers are sabotaging us. The stupid mutt really does make it hard to think. Every government ever, sometimes or always, is making it harder and harder to stay on the path and be you, or me, or anyone at all.
But: if our locus of control is ever more internal, in spite of the odds stacked against that happening ... miracles are possible.
3: Sloth and Torpor, thinamiddha
Sloth is the heaviness of the body. Torpor is the dullness of the mind. Lack of energy, lack of motivation.
A nap too delicious to resist; telling ourselves that we are too weary to do anything useful to the journey right now, and slacking off instead. A real need to rest, a laziness that overcomes thought, or a surrender to 'depression' or some other variant of mental sickness.
4: Restlessness, uddhacca
A state of mind too unsettled to stay in the present, wandering off into the theoretical future or making judgments about the mythical past.
'Monkey mind': there seems to be no time left to reflect and see clearly. Flitter, flutter, close one video and roll a different one instead.
5: Skeptical Doubt, vicikikiccha
Indecisiveness. Lost in ongoing speculation about what the right thing to do might be. What will the others say about our choices? What if what if what if?
'When the way is filled with doubt, more often you will just stop, instead of moving on'. What even is this mountain I am climbing? Is climbing it really the right thing? Is there a better mountain? Is there something better than climbing itself?
***
How are hindrances treated?
Topic for another show. I made burritos and then retreated early, strategically, in the direction of Thinamiddha.
https://www.vairtere.com/spill/2022/08/07/well-whats-stopping-you/